Friday, May 11, 2007
on the subject of today
There are some days that you will never forget. These days stay loged in your memory, engraved forever. May 11, 2004 is one of those days for me. I wish that I didn't remember it so well, and that maybe I could remember all the days prior with as much intensity. Maybe then a day like today wouldn't be so sad. Perhaps sad isn't the right word, I think somber fits better. I am not necisarily depressed but there is a cloud that hangs above this day that I cannot shake.
The sadest day of my life was not the 11th though, it was two days before. Have you ever realized that someone you love is going to die? I mean, die soon, die without enough time. Thats what that day was for me. I hadn't accepted the fact yet, because I was naive and thought that it wouldn't happen. Stuff like that just can't happen to me. It did, and I cried...a lot. But that realization took a lot of the sting out of the acctual passing. It was painful yes, but in a way I was happy. I was happy she wasn't hurting anymore.
A lot of people that have found out that my Mom died (because I don't just come out and say it. That is increadably akward. I wait until I have to tell them, becuase it's come up in conversation. No one ever suspects that she is gone.) reply to me with this: "I don't think I could live without my mom." or something similar. And I have to think...well, you kind of have to. Time won't stop for your loss, it never has for anyone elses. All you can do is pick up and keep moving forward. I mean, thats the only option. (ok not the only one I suppose, but the other one would never cross my mind). Besides, she wouldn't have wanted me to stop anyway. She whould have wanted me to move on and forward. Moms only want the best for their children, and that remains true even after they are gone.
Mom was the person I told everything to. Everything, the important stuff and the mondane. The stuff no one cares about. I asked for advice, I cried when I was hurt, and I turned to her for guidence. Right now I don't have a person like that in my life anymore (though Dad probably gets it more than anyone else, but there are still things that happened that I don't know I will ever tell him. Besides, they are mute now). But there are things I learned from Mom that have gotten me through it, even if she isn't here she can still help me. Thats a nice thought.
1) Be strong. Be ruthlessly strong. You can fight it till the end, you can fight it till death is staring you in the face. You may not win but that is ok, if you fought with all the streanght you had then it was worth it.
2) Love. Love the people close to you withouth ceasing. Love them with that strength, love them with all of your heart. Do anything for them. Your Family will always be with you, there for you, and love you back.
3) Have faith. God's plan is what will guide you. Don't fear the unknown but wholey trust him to make it right. Its not always going to make sense and sometimes it seems unfair but he is doing this for you. He loves you. He will never stop loveing you.
All I can do now is remember who she was. I can't ask for advice or tell her about the road work they're doing that is making my car really dirty, or hug her anymore. I can't see her smile, or get one of those disgruntled mom frowns or berated for a bad decision. I can't have any of that anymore. All I can do is remember it. Hopefully a handfull of these memories will stay as vivid as today in my mind. ¶ 1:01 PM
The sadest day of my life was not the 11th though, it was two days before. Have you ever realized that someone you love is going to die? I mean, die soon, die without enough time. Thats what that day was for me. I hadn't accepted the fact yet, because I was naive and thought that it wouldn't happen. Stuff like that just can't happen to me. It did, and I cried...a lot. But that realization took a lot of the sting out of the acctual passing. It was painful yes, but in a way I was happy. I was happy she wasn't hurting anymore.
A lot of people that have found out that my Mom died (because I don't just come out and say it. That is increadably akward. I wait until I have to tell them, becuase it's come up in conversation. No one ever suspects that she is gone.) reply to me with this: "I don't think I could live without my mom." or something similar. And I have to think...well, you kind of have to. Time won't stop for your loss, it never has for anyone elses. All you can do is pick up and keep moving forward. I mean, thats the only option. (ok not the only one I suppose, but the other one would never cross my mind). Besides, she wouldn't have wanted me to stop anyway. She whould have wanted me to move on and forward. Moms only want the best for their children, and that remains true even after they are gone.
Mom was the person I told everything to. Everything, the important stuff and the mondane. The stuff no one cares about. I asked for advice, I cried when I was hurt, and I turned to her for guidence. Right now I don't have a person like that in my life anymore (though Dad probably gets it more than anyone else, but there are still things that happened that I don't know I will ever tell him. Besides, they are mute now). But there are things I learned from Mom that have gotten me through it, even if she isn't here she can still help me. Thats a nice thought.
1) Be strong. Be ruthlessly strong. You can fight it till the end, you can fight it till death is staring you in the face. You may not win but that is ok, if you fought with all the streanght you had then it was worth it.
2) Love. Love the people close to you withouth ceasing. Love them with that strength, love them with all of your heart. Do anything for them. Your Family will always be with you, there for you, and love you back.
3) Have faith. God's plan is what will guide you. Don't fear the unknown but wholey trust him to make it right. Its not always going to make sense and sometimes it seems unfair but he is doing this for you. He loves you. He will never stop loveing you.
All I can do now is remember who she was. I can't ask for advice or tell her about the road work they're doing that is making my car really dirty, or hug her anymore. I can't see her smile, or get one of those disgruntled mom frowns or berated for a bad decision. I can't have any of that anymore. All I can do is remember it. Hopefully a handfull of these memories will stay as vivid as today in my mind. ¶ 1:01 PM
